I've been holding on too tight. For at least six years in some instances, but maybe longer. Maybe it goes into my childhood, but I don't know that it matters. The truth is, there is much I have been holding onto, as if it will make things better, or resolve issues, or help me move on in some weird weird way.
I love this space. I love that I designed it with Cap. But it wasn't the fresh start I really needed. I have been here just over a year, and through that time I have cycled in and out of what to do with it and how to use it. I feel as if I have done the same with myself, to be honest. And now it simply doesn't feel as if it fits. I mean, it fits us. Him and me. But I don't know if that's what needs to be out here, in the web world. And plus, we're cutting back on coffee intake, so maybe it doesn't fit anymore. LOL
Alisa Keeton did a Revving the Word podcast... no it was a Facebook Live she did recently and she spoke about unfinished business. She said we will have unfinished business but God will not. That struck me. Hard. See, I have a lot of unfinished business. I'm pretty sure I think I have unfinished business from each move, every relationship that isn't, some turns I didn't see coming, and a few times I tried to do right but know I messed up. But the truth is I can not resolve those issues. I think it's simply time to let go.
But I have been holding on just in case some magical door opened up so that I could walk through it, everything could be explained, accepted by loving hearts, and then .... let's be honest.... the door could remain open and those relationships could be saved. Because that's the only way I feel anything is saved. It has to be redeemed in the way I imagine. But, thank the Lord His ways are better than mine.
I don't know how He uses our past for our good. I don't know how many times I haven't let Him do that because of my holding on. I just know that everything He does is good, and He can use whatever happens for our good. So, trusting that knowledge, I want to have faith when I don't see how things will work out. And I want to work with Him, not fight Him.
I'm closing shop for a while. I don't know how long. I don't know to what extent. I mean, yes Coffee with Bears is closing down, but I don't know what else I will be releasing. You see, running away is something fear drives me to do, so I have to make sure my motives are right when I am stepping away. I don't want fear to control me. I want to do what I feel is the best thing. And then I am trusting God will help me move forward.
So, thank you for reading, visiting, being with me. If/when I reopen, wherever I reopen, I hope you will be with me then. But if God closes the door between us know that I only send peace and joy with you. No, really, that's what I am working on.