God did a little revealing in my heart. While it's not fun, I'm really okay with it because if I don't know about it I'll just continue on in ignorance. What good is that?
You want to know, don't you? I get it. So, let me set it down clearly: I have issues with pride and control.
Now before I go any further, I think it's important for me to say that if I never get these issues in line, God will not love me any less. BUT because He does love me He not only wants me to get these issues in line, He's going to help me get the issues in line. Love doesn't leave us stuck in the mud. And the truth there is awesome, freeing, and full of grace.
Okay, so a little more to my confession: I have a tendency to think I know how to do it all, that I should be the one doing it or it should be done my way, and I want to be noticed for what I do and applauded. There's so much mud in that run on sentence you could make a pie, I'm aware, but it's where my heart tends to fall.
It's not that I thought of myself as prideful before God revealed the mud to me. Oh, no, I tell myself things like this instead: I don't want anyone forgotten; I don't want anything to get missed; someone has to do it; this plan will really work; I can see what's going on but no one else can; and (my favorite) I'm simply investing myself into whatever it is I'm doing. And like I said in the last post, we are great at justifying our actions.
Or at least, I am.
But one of my Bear Laws is "I have a limited responsibility," another is "I will leave space for others," and another is "I will not be the focus." Somehow I forgot these very important rules that God knew I would struggle with and need the reminders. I shouldn't say "somehow." I forgot them. I chose badly.
But now I'm choosing to see as God sees, and take steps to be different than I have been.
Still wishing it was easy, though through the struggle God will be taking me along, and I can know that I can trust Him with the outcome. And the Love. I can trust Him to love me unconditionally. But I'm so glad he's not leaving me in the mud.