Wednesday, February 22, 2017

There's always a first step. It may or may not have been taken already. Maybe this is it.

I've been hiding out lately. I probably would still be, but I'm beginning to feel cracks in the mask. Ironically, I like the mask so much. I want to live there. I want to BE that. I don't want it to be a mask. But it is. Instead of the joyful, content, loving person I try to exude I have been living overwhelmed, exhausted, and tired. Soul tired.

My life is not a demanding one. I know there is no good reason for me to feel like this, and yet, my heart, mind, soul, and strength are crying out for God to give me rest. I know, it sounds so stupid. I have not left the Word behind. I am still making myself get up and move. But somewhere I lost the joy in my every day. Somehow tears are always near the surface rather than laughter. And while I can bring the laughter out, it never stays as long as I want it to. I feel exhausted, get overwhelmed so easily, and anxiety sits on my shoulders. And I don't know why.

Is it because I am older? Is it because I'm not doing enough? Is it a lie that I am listening to? Is it a call for real rest and refreshment? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Is everything simply me trying to create drama? I don't know the answers to any of it. And that's why I've simply tried to keep going and stay quiet.

Quote from Finally Free by Kara R. Osborne

But this is what I feel deep in my heart: I don't know why I am here. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know what I am supposed to do or not do. But I don't think God created me to live like this. I'm missing His peace, His joy, and the contentment from trusting Him. And it's time that I searched out in a focused way what it is He would have me do. It's time to hear from Him on this topic since He created me and knows me better than anyone else.

I'm grateful for the friends who have seen, loved ones who support, and dears who keep an eye open. I appreciate mostly all the prayers as I work through this to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, and why I have found myself in this place, but mostly that I would have an open heart to hear what God needs me to hear.

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