Wednesday, February 1, 2017

All I wanted was a little soda, and suddenly I felt completely unseen with no peace.

If there's one thing which keeps me from loving others as I should, it's jealousy. But that's a pretty broad general thing when you think about it. And when I thought about it God led me to the understanding that, for me, it's the feeling of not being seen. This morning in the Little Way devotional from Revelation Wellness® the journaling questions were all about peace, God's peace, living in it, how to do that more, what keeps us from doing it, and then God allowed me to lose my peace.

Okay, let me say up front that it was my fault I didn't stay in God's peace. Not His, nor anyone else's. I simply felt as if I was not seen. To be honest, this is something I deeply struggle with. I'm not sure when it started, nor can I point to a time where I didn't have it. I know I have done a lot of stupid things to try to be seen. Many things I deeply regret. Sometimes I get over the feeling, I live and love and breathe all the blessings that fill my life. But every once in a while something happens, and instead of staying tight with God, I allow myself to fall into the pity party pit of "unseen person."

You see, for me being "unseen" means I'm unimportant, annoying, or easily forgotten. It means no one cares, I don't matter, and I don't measure up. It means I have no purpose, can't serve anyone, and lack the ability to be there for others. It makes me want to hide away, disappear, and quit. Because, what difference does my trying make anyway?

For example, I have posted prayer requests, informational ideas, and encouragement in a group I am in. But few responded, and with one of my posts hardly anyone responded. Now: before anyone gets defensive this is the important part: I did NOT think this nor feel this until another post in similar nature got more responses than mine did. I saw them getting more responses and I immediately felt as if no one cared that I had posted something similar recently. I was jealous. I was not pretty. I was in my pit. (I never said this was a pretty post.)

<<<< Please know that in a sane frame of mind I understand that I have generalized a moment that I have made about me which has not one thing to do with me. This is my struggle. >>>>

Have you seen the video where God gives the gift of Coca-cola? Our church shared it one Sunday morning and at first I thought it was simply hilarious. But then... well, watch this real quick: 

That's me. I'm perfectly happy with my 8oz coke, until I see someone else got the liter, and then I feel forgotten, unseen, and unhappy. 

The biggest problem, aside from the torture I can put people through when I get like this... or no, that's it exactly! I don't love others well when I fall into this pit. All of my focus is on poor little me, feeling alone and left out, unseen and unloved, when NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. None of it. None. I lose the ability to have God's peace, to receive His love, to give love to others, and to appreciate this beautiful life I have been given with all the wonderful people who do in fact love me, simply because I allowed myself to be jealous which quickly turned into the feeling of "not being seen."

God took me through this very quickly today, but let me say this very clearly: It was my choice deep within my heart which showed up ugly and mean. It was God's grace even deeper within my heart which showed me the truth, and helped me back to the point where I can accept His love and share it.

During this month of February, as we look for ways to show love to those who are dear to us, let's do something a little different as well. Let's love people who would never expect it from us. Yes, I did just type that. I'm surprised too. But what if we did just that? What if we reached out of our inner circle and spread a little love to those who think we don't see them? What if?

I know we can't make someone feel seen when they think they aren't, just as no one can help me when I am in my pit. But what if by the little love shown we make a mark, a reminder, a little note, that indeed they are seen and loved. And maybe through us God's love will have an impact on them and they will be able to choose Him, too. Maybe.

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