There are a lot of sayings regarding old and new. The one that has stuck me and caused me problems the most is when it's said you have to release the old before you gain the new. No matter the topic, this has been a struggle for me because while I declutter with the best of them, I hold on to things. I hold on to people, ideas, thoughts, hopes. Even when it is clear there is no abundance there anymore. But today God has been pouring into me regarding old and new, and I have realized the truth about letting go in order to grasp, and I have realized it has more to do with me than anything or anyone else.
No one should be surprised by this revelation, not really. God always deals with us more than through us, or maybe that's how He does it? I am not sure but once again I am faced with the mirror in front of me.
I have a tendency to fall back into old routines and behaviors. Those thought processes are normal and in a weird sense comfortable, and so lately I have felt that all I do is fight the same fights. To a degree, that is very true. And it's heartbreaking to admit. Where is my growth? Where are my steps forward? They are in front of me, for I have back tracked one too many times.
But today, and days leading up to today, I have been pressed on with the idea, feeling, and motivation that if I could just release what was, then I could grasp what will be.
And I will admit. I feel a bit of a fake sometimes pretending to be this person that I am not yet and that's usually why I slip back into who I've always been. But I know that if I want to be different, if I want to change, if I want God to create in me a new heart within a new creation with a new life then I can't keep being the old. No matter how uncomfortable it is in the in between.
This has been a topic several times for the last month as well. And I always tell myself not to make declarations (like I did in the last post) and not to say, "I will do ____ now," but here I am doing it anyway. Maybe because I hope saying it out loud to the world at large will make me do just what I hope to do.
It might not. And I'm tempted at this point to make excuses for myself already for when I fall back again. But I don't want to. Because I want to be different. And I want to feel different. And so I need to start doing different things.
As Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And as God said, He "is doing a new thing!"
Time to stop the insanity.