Wednesday, October 12, 2016

My relationship with my God.


I used to think I lived my life without compartments. It was one of those soap boxes I used to stand on all the time. Don't compartmentalize your life because we are whole creatures. One part will affect the other part, it always does. I've said it so many times before, if not to others then to myself. I would see others compartmentalize and my heart would hurt. But recently I realized that I do the same exact thing, despite my desire not to do so.


Maybe it's a going deeper. Maybe it's a better understanding. I've also said before that we constantly know God better so that what we knew yesterday sometimes feels like not even knowing. And right now, that's how I feel. I feel as if I didn't even know what I was saying when I stood on that soap box. I was a big old hypocrite. And, honestly, I'm going to have to let that go because I don't think so, but I don't know, and it could be, but I'm here now.

Maya Angelou is attributed with saying, "When you know better, you do better," and I'm in the middle of that statement right now. I'm the comma. Because there comes a time where you realize you know better, and now we have to learn to do better. Doing better doesn't simply come magical most days, no it's a walking through, a repairing, a reconstruction, and sometimes it also comes with a tearing down. 

I think part of living life without compartments is learning to live life relying fully on God. I haven't got that part down, I must admit. Yes, I rely on Him when I think about it, when I consider it, after I've sat in the sadness, heartache, hurt, confusion for a while. But I am not to the point where I rely on Him first for it ALL.

ALL.

Think about that word. ALL. Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him. I think back on Brother Lawrence practicing the presence of God in the kitchen. I read that years ago, and yet I didn't fully get it. I didn't fully understand. 

What should I eat? How much? Should I take the job? Should I leave the house? Should I rely on her? How far should I run? How hard? What weights should I use today? What meal should I plan? What chores need to be done? Is this a freezer stocking day? Should I go to Facebook? Should I read that article? Which path should I take after all?

Oh, I've been pretty good about listening to the nudges the Holy Spirit gives me, but when do I start listening before the nudge comes? 

"When we know better, we do better." I'm trying to do better now. I'm trying to learn what living Proverbs 3:5-6 looks like for me and my God. I'm trying.

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