Thursday, October 13, 2016

I was pulled out of the mud.

So, yesterday morning I woke up in the mud. Not literally; emotionally. I was stuck, and stuck hard. I replayed every word I said and regardless of what my intention was at the time I condemned myself for them. I did the same for actions. I didn't do that with things just recently, no, no. Wherever my mind wandered I was sure to find something I could beat myself up for. Again, not literally; emotionally. I've done this to myself before, but this time I asked for prayer from a group which I know prays.


I have heard it said recently that our past wont disappear, but we have to deal with it. My problem was I didn't know how to get out from under the shame and blame I would heap on myself. You see, I was sure I deserved it for many times I did do something wrong. And if I didn't mean for it to go badly, others may have been hurt anyway. How can I not live with the knowledge of what I did and be anything but ashamed of myself. I fully dislike myself on these days.

But yesterday I felt something different. And it may be an accumulation of things I've read and heard all used by God, and the prayers being said, but it was as if someone was pulling me. Gently. Out of the mud. It was as if I realized suddenly that the only things holding me to the burden were my own hands. But, and this is important, I suddenly also realized that I felt guilty about letting it go. As if I weren't doing my due diligence.

Where did that thinking come from? I don't know. My past experiences. The culture we live in? I just finally knew this is what I live under at times. The hope now comes because once you know what you are dealing with, it's easier to fight. Or as it is said in RevWell, what's revealed can be healed. I'm prayerful my realization from yesterday will stick in my heart for the next time I wake in such a manner.
Here's the Truth: 
we are forgiven for our sins
we are separated from our sins as far as the east is to the west
we don't live under a spirit of condemnation
we are to live abundantly
the enemy steals, kills, destroys
we can be wise to the enemy's tactics
we are overcomers
we get new mercies every morning
God will strengthen us
I don't need to hide myself from God, even if I could
Yes, if reparations ever need to be made, I need to make those, I agree wholeheartedly. But I also need to move on, and not continually sit in the mud. I'm no good to anyone when I do that. I only harm those I love the most when I am there.

As a friend said on Facebook yesterday, I need to be in the here and now. Not shaming myself for yesterday, or worried about tomorrow, but present to experience what God is doing in the right now.

And this is how my mind is becoming renewed. God is giving me a new way to see and think about things, and a new way to do life. And the only reason I deserve it is because I am His child.

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