Community. It's hard sometimes, isn't it? Whether there is 2, 70, or 125 working with other people and sharing hearts, space, and time can be complicated.
Oh, I'm fully aware we make it more complicated than it should be. No doubt. But as I sit here with my coffee on the couch next to my Captain, I feel the mess my heart has been over the past 24+ hours.
I've been questioning relationships, truth, face value. I've been frustrated not knowing how to deal with conflicts or words. I've known my own heart has issues to be dealt with before I can even process relationships with others. But I've known there is no time for that. I've wondered how many put up with me, deal with me, are frustrated with me. I'm grateful for those who are but like me anyway. But we don't talk about any of it, so the vibe is off, the air is different, the roll of the eyes, delay of the action, and unspoken words are seen, felt, or even made up.
And I slept last night rather than acting on any of the mess that was my heart. A good thing.
And I spewed all over Captain today rather than others in the area. I"m ashamed.
And I find myself writing words here now, because I'm still processing and working through thoughts.
Sometimes we do things right, and sometimes we mess it all up.
I really try to do things well, and right. I do. Because that's what we are supposed to do.
And Captain, he tells me to simply love God and love others, and let everything else go.
I get it, I do.
But it seems simplistic.
And I stress about what people really think.
But Captain says, love God and love others.
And then it doesn't seem so simple. It seems big and large and huge.
And I finally got to the point in a book where I see the heart and not the division and I wonder...
how long does it take me to see the heart of another?
Maybe too long.
But here's the thing....
We are all unique individuals needing different things from each other, and sometimes different things each day. But the truth is that no matter how much we give one another, we will still feel empty if we are trying to find our acceptance and our place to stand in other humans, even those who love us dearly. And community will rock, roll, crack, and bend as long as we are looking for one another for the things our heart most needs.
God is the only One who can help us find our whole selves and be our whole selves. Not that it's a magical point in time where we make no more mistakes and sprinkle fairy dust on everyone we are around. But rather, He gives us the ability to rely on Him, trust in Him, listen to Him, and be guided by Him. IF.
If? Yes, if. We have to trust that regardless of our circumstances He's got us. We have to have true faith in Him that He will take care of us. He will turn everything for good for those who love Him. He will light and clear our path showing us the way to go. But we have to listen to Him. Trust Him. Have faith in Him. So, if.
And that's where I find myself now as I come to the end of my day. After the past 24+ hours of heartache, frustration, confusion, and rejection I realize I have been looking in the wrong direction. Again.
Let's look to the Father, friends. Let's keep our eyes on Him, the perfector of our faith. Let's remember that who we are is found and defined by Him alone. And then, I guess, we do what He asks to the best of our ability.
Community. Let's love one another, because God first loved us.