There are times I really don't like me. I say things which are stupid, mean, or are said simply to belong in some twisted way. I do things which don't make sense. I get upset at something I should have had mercy for. Oh, there are definitely times when I simply do not like me. And these things happen every day. And they run through my mind at night when what I want more than anything is to simply sleep.
I reword the moment. I wish to rework it. I replay it in my mind. I "yell" at myself at how I should have been better. I should have done better. I shouldn't have said anything at all. But now I'm stuck with the knowledge and memory of this moment in time which I can't do anything about. But repeat it.
And I have learned that the more I am out there doing things interacting with people, the more these moments happen. It's a matter of ratios. The more I do the more I mess up. But it doesn't help sleep come any faster.
It makes me consider running away, finding my hidey hole, giving everything up, and walking away. I mean, truly, lack of sleep alone does weird things to you. Throw the guilt, shame, and disappointment in with it and it's a recipe for disaster.
I wonder where God's grace is in those moments. Why can't He just control me and make me do the good things? Why can't He step in and take my voice away? Why can't He change my heart in a moment?
But then, I don't think being controlled like a puppet would bring me the joy He wants for me either. And our relationship would surely change into something not so healthy. He loves me, and He wants good for me, but He's not going to magically make me into the person I am becoming. It's a learning process, a struggle, a working out, a continual life of growing and being and doing. But he doesn't bring me the shame, guilt, or disappointment either.
Does He want me to do better? Oh yes. Conviction within my heart will tell me I'm not going right. Will he shame me and yell at me? He'll discipline me. I don't think he belittles me.
So, I have to find a way to stop allowing the shame and blame to creep into my brain so decidedly when I'm tired and sleep should have been there a bit ago. I also need to listen to the nudging I feel right before I open my mouth, do that thing, or interact with that person. I need to always remember I belong to the Lord, and belonging to anyone else isn't worth what I have to do to get there.
And honestly, the people who really care about me don't want me to do anything to belong to them. They probably hope I learn to hush up soon as well. Or maybe instead, to say the beautiful, the lovely, the pure, the joyful, the right, the good. Yes, they want that for and from me.