Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The post of doubting.

When I was younger I spoke with the wisdom of the ages.
I knew when things began and why.
I was loud and sure and not shy to share that knowledge.

Now I'm old and I feel like a babe knowing nothing.
I feel I have lost surety and gained failure.
Though I am grateful the core of me remains.

Sometimes I feel like a woman who knows what she is doing and loves every minute of it
Sometimes I feel like a teen trying something new wondering if she's doing it right.
Sometimes I feel like a little girl waiting for someone to show me the next step.

Do we ever get to the point where we continually feel whole and sure of our footing?
Because the doubts are nearly freezing me in the fear that they are causing.
And I am tired of it.

See, this is what happens: I put something out there (oh the things I have put out there you will never see), and then the doubts come rising up (they are strong and loud and part truth), and so I question why I am sharing anything or if what I am sharing is worth anything (and I honestly can't speak to the truth of those questions anymore), so I delete and stay quiet and say nothing.

What do those doubts say? Let's put a little light on them shall we? I don't expect you to read these, laugh, and tell me how wrong I am. I'm just putting them out there.

You are stepping on toes, stop it.
You can't encourage anyone, look at how discouraged you've been.
Someone is not going to like it if you do that.
They really think you are quite annoying, you know.
Yes, they are thinking "What was I thinking?!"
You're simply being put up with at this point.
They need a body, they don't think you can really do it.

Of course, EVERY situation has it's own particular doubts of truth that come up and speak loud over a situation. And I call them doubts of truth because they certainly can be true. And this is where I think I would never have made a good prophet because I worry too much about what everyone thinks. 

And then I wonder, am I not doing what I think God has led me to do? Well, yes, but what if I am not doing it well. I could not be doing it well. Or people could be feeling sorry for me.

I could list my failures here, how I have lost friends, and messed up relationships, missed opportunities, or failed when I tried them, how I spoke big as if I knew what was right for everyone in the whole entire world, but knew nothing. And all of it would be true.

And remembering all those failures is what causes those doubts to sneak into my head when I try to do anything else. This is why I feel as if I need someone to show me the next step, give me a formula, so that when I do something I don't mess it up. I really don't want to mess anything else up.

I would like to believe since I have put all this out here I have chased it out of the shadows and it wont haunt me anymore. But I'm afraid I know the real truth. The real truth is that I am simply going to have to push through these doubts and past failures in order to do anything in the future. That just because I know Truth and can hold onto the fact that I am loved, and cared for, doesn't mean this life wont be difficult and hard in a wide variety of ways. And I'm more than likely going to fail again, which I'm supposed to say helps me learn, but I'll be honest and say I'm tired of failing as well.

So, what can I do? What can we do?
Let's show up to today and see what comes.
Let's get ready to push through the doubts and past that try to stop us.
And let's take a deep breath and know that God will go with us through whatever we face.
And because of that we can face whatever comes our way.
Be it failure, celebration, trials, errors, or wins.

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