Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Procrastinating with books beside me.

I'm overwhelmed with the information that I need to learn, to fully grasp, to remember. And so I'm procrastinating. Words have not flown here nor in my brain. I have been active. I have been doing life. But words are quiet. Until I need the quiet to learn.

I'm taking my certification test this month. I don't know if it matters to anyone at this point, and I don't know where I am going with all of this, but here I am procrastinating the studying of muscles and exercises by writing words which have eluded me for quite a while.

And I came to an acceptance of the loss of words. I imagined they would come back to me one day. Sometime in the future. I was okay with that. Still am.

But I wish I knew what was in the future. Where I was going. What would happen with all this stuff. But I don't have those answers, so I feel as if I am working blindly.

If I knew where I was going would I stop procrastinating and work harder? If I knew what the future held would I dig in deep and turn off Criminal Minds?

CAN I trust that whatever is in front of me I just need to keep taking the steps I can see, and doing what is directly in front of me and trust God with the far future I can't see?

Do I see ideas which thrill my heart and lock into those as if they were meant for me?

Do I imagine the possibilities, or let go of them all and trust God with the impossibilities?

Words come because doubts flow. At least, that's how it seems as I have a stack of books next to me, an old Criminal Minds on the tv, two doggies near me sleeping, and coffee in my cup, but my fingers are moving more than they have in the past month. And most likely more than they will in the next month.

Because I do have a test to take. And I do need to buckle down and dig deep to learn this information. And even if I don't know what happens after that, I can only do what is before me and pray that God will lead me clearly if I give Him the space to do the work.

Prayers appreciated, if you think of me.

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