Tuesday, June 7, 2016

There was no big deal. It was just hard.

Comparison steals my words. You see, I had a hard not so pretty morning, but I have deleted everything I have written because I know it wasn't that bad. I know others have it worse. And so I have silenced myself. I don't want to appear as if I am looking for pity in a moment which is merely a blip to most people. But it was hard for me. And it is always hard for me when a day starts like it did today. And so, if you think you know better, have it worse, or whatever I have no doubt you do. No arguments here.

Have you ever woken up and pity, paranoia, insecurities, and doubt sit heavy on your chest? I do it more often than I like. My instinct on days like that is to stay hidden away and not interact with anyone. I do have days where I stay home, for my good and the good of others, but I also have days where it's not a choice to stay hidden away.

Truth be told, hidden away or not I don't want to feel this way. Whether it be when I wake up or 2 in the afternoon, those feelings are not what I want to choose. And yet, I'm told constantly it's a choice. I just need to choose better. And I shake my head and wonder how in the world do I do that? And I feel a little worse about myself because (1) I shouldn't have those feelings (2) I have no reason for those feelings and (3) I should just shake it off.

And the cycle and circles continue downhill in a fast paced slide.

This morning I felt it heavy. I wore it dark. And I didn't want it. 

You may find yourself wondering what happened that precipitated these feelings. It's a simple curiosity for which I do not blame you. Something must have happened, right? I had to have done something, or someone else had to have, for me to have found myself in that pit of ick. But here's where I have to beg you to listen carefully, it was an ordinary day where I stepped outside of my comfort zone.

That was it. 

I wish I had something more to tell you. I wish I had said something horrible to someone and felt bad about it. I wish someone had said something bad about me and hurt my heart. But that's not the case. It rarely is. But let me step outside my comfort zone and the next day I can almost be assured I will need to recover. I will wake up questioning everything I did or didn't do, each word I said, every action I took, and I will wonder if I did it right. And then I will start telling myself all the ways I shouldn't have done anything or should have done it better and the insecurities will slowly wrap themselves around my heart, and the negativity will be all I see through, and the cynicism will squeeze my brain. 

I've learned this about me. 
But I've also learned something about God.

He doesn't leave me in that spot if I want to come out of it. He will hold my heart, and help me up when I need out of the pit. This morning it was in the form of running 4 miles with praise music in my ears. Returning to the house and watering the plants while I sang out loud to the birds in the backyard. Texting with my youngest and having lunch with my mom. I dug myself out of myself, focused on God, and He gently held me.

He always does. He renews me, revives me, redeems me, refreshes me, helps me up, holds me, guides me, loves me. Knowing I can count on Him to do those things helps me take the first step towards Him so that they can be done. 

It's okay to know you need extra time to deal with negative thoughts and feelings after a situation. But dealing with them has to mean walking to God and letting Him help you. It may not look the same for you as it does for me, but I know He is waiting for you to accept His love and generosity. He is so willing to give this to you. Just as He gives me. 

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