I've felt heavy in the past few weeks. Doing the goals last week was a purposeful attempt at moving through those feelings, but they are still there so I thought... why not talk about them? Let's bring them into the light, take a look at them, and see what they really have to say.
No, I don't think it's a bad thing to do something just for yourself. In fact, I think too often I take the attitude that I'm doing something to share with others, teach others, etc. so much that it's a negative. It's an excuse. When maybe, just maybe, I'm doing something simply because I want to learn it and I like it. The Krav Maga book I have been going through is like that. Yes, I have been sharing a little on Instagram, but I'm doing it just for myself and that is okay.
But does that mean I don't have anything to share?
NOT with Krav Maga. LOL I totally and honestly know THAT. I'm just learning it. I can not teach anyone anything about it. I know some people who are amazing teachers with Krav Maga and have been in it for half a decade, a decade, or longer. Those are the ones we should be learning from right?
So I also have been wondering if maybe I haven't been in the self-defense world long enough to teach it. Maybe I'm still in the learning process for myself. Maybe it's ridiculous to think I should be teaching it. After all, my experience is limited, my training is narrow, and I'm not certified by anyone. Yes, my goal is to make everyone safer, and that is truly a desire of my heart, but maybe I'm not at the point where I should be doing that? I don't know.
And I have been wondering about my fitness life. Okay, my gym life? No. The fact that I'm working towards the certificate. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that? Maybe my personality isn't such that works will in group settings? Maybe I should simply be attending class because it helps my fitness and not think that I am the one who should be teaching it. After all, I have NOT been in the gym that long either.
Which makes me wonder about the Revelation Wellness training, because they really go hand in hand. Maybe that's supposed to be for my edification, and share it, but not consider training it. Ya know?
I don't know. These are some of the thoughts which have been heavy, which have me thinking about stepping back occasionally. I've considered the same with my writing, with reaching out, with words, with all sorts of things.
I guess the core of the heaviness is "I'm not enough, I don't have enough to offer, I need to sit down and let those who know do while I keep learning."
Is there a point where you are learning AND teaching/sharing?
Yeah, I think so. But the idea that what I am is inadequate to what people need still sits on my chest.
I've only been in martial arts for 5ish years. I've only focused on self-defense for 3ish years. I've only been in the gym for 3ish years. I've never written professionally. I don't have a degree. I've never been to seminary. I've made SOOOOO many mistakes knowingly. I've only been on the outskirts of Revelation Wellness, and not even for a full year.
Yeah. I've felt inadequate lately. And I don't know that setting goals will suddenly make me feel adequate. I don't know if talking about it all here will make me feel adequate. Even if I got all the training in the world, would I then automatically feel adequate?
I can assure you I wouldn't, because BECAUSE even though I have my black belt in taekwondo I still feel inadequate teaching it.
So this is more of a matter of heart, though the experience and training do go in hand. But until I'm ready to say I'm adequate just as I am to do what I can right now, then no more training will make a difference. I'll still feel inadequate.
This is both HARD for me to accept, and easy. I can't change my heart, but God can. The hard part is I have to keep stepping out and doing what I can do at this point, regardless of how I feel.
There's no easy answers, are there? Setting up goals doesn't change a thing. It's what God does within us using His grace to bring about changes.
>> Watching this video helped me so much. Her thoughts about being bold in the soul helped me start working out my own thoughts which you read in this post.