I once thought I had all the answers. I thought I had it all wrapped up. Whatever it was, I had my thoughts on the matter, and that was the end. Things were neat that way. Things stayed uncomplicated. I'm sure I offended some. It didn't matter. I was right. The end. And it's not that I'm worried about offending people, especially those who choose not to know me, but I now know I don't know it all. I have no idea sometimes. I'm left in silence.
I close my prayer book, glad it has a snap, and shut it tight. I don't have words to say for half the things that are listed in that book. I'm grateful the Spirit intervenes because I am at a loss. I open my Bible to stare at pages wondering where to start. I want to learn. I want to grow. I simply get lost in my thoughts.
No I don't want to prove anyone wrong.
No I don't want to support my opinion.
I want to learn.
But where does one begin?
How do I pray when I have no idea?
Where are all those answers I held onto so firmly when I was younger?
I turn to God. I hold onto the trust I have in Him. When things swirl. When answers don't come. When people are mean. When lies fly. When hatred is palpable. I get lost and wonder, "What are we doing, Lord? Help us."
Not that He doesn't answer. I think He's sitting with me, like a good friend. Just being with me in the moments which don't make sense, where there seems to be no pat answer. I'm learning to rest there, in those moments. Because the world spins me round so fast I can't think or breathe.
The things we argue about.
The times we speak without thinking.
The moments we forget about mercy and don't trust grace.
The lives we dismiss.
The thoughts we shut down.
I don't have the answers. The One who has them doesn't think I need them. I'm glad I trust him with those burdens and these days. I'm grateful He understands me being troubled and uncertain.
My heart bleeds
but you can't see the color
You think I put on airs
I simply don't have words
I don't support you as you wish
But I do the best I can
And I hope you know
I've left you in His hands