Saturday, April 16, 2016

Fighting for myself, or trying to.

I'm forcing myself to the computer this morning. I haven't done that in the past few days, which is why it's been so silent around here. But I couldn't allow this week to end without checking in. Where do I even begin to explain my silence? Do I need to? Can I? This is what I know...

I'm doing everything I think I should be doing. I'm taking risks and stepping out. I wonder if there is something I'm still avoiding, though. I don't know. I slink into quiet in the evenings and in the mornings. I'm having really good days, but the words still don't come.


And today I was going to share what I learned about Mercy, but I'm not done with the study yet. I was going to say I'm not half way done, but I'm not sure I'm anywhere near that point. I did a word study on Grace years ago when I still lived in Texas, so I'm trying to mesh what I learned then with how Grace works with Mercy. Obviously it's different or they wouldn't have used separate words, but my brain is just having a hard time wrapping around the difference. That's why I know I need to dig in more. Maybe Mercy wasn't the best topic to study, but I'm in it now. Hopefully next week I'll have something to really share.

This blog has been going like a certain day I had recently. I poured a cup of coffee into a basket full of papers. It was like slow motion. I slipped the lid of a container into the refried beans I was taking to a group dinner. A glass of red wine was spilled on a table. Things didn't go just right. And yet, nothing that was so horrible that it ruined the day. The papers survived, I made the refried beans and they were yummy, and the wine did NOT get on the light colored carpet. All good things. And so, I'm trusting that while I'm not getting things just as I'd like here there are still some good things that will come out of it.

I have to stop taking myself so seriously, I think. Or maybe I need to stop pre-deciding how a post will be taken before it's written. And I definitely need to stop thinking everything I write will be offensive to someone I know.

The thing is, it might not matter to anyone else, but it matters to me. And when I let myself stop myself, it's like no one matters. And my words need to matter to me, if no one else. So I'm going to force myself down to this computer every day. I'm going to give my words the attention they need. And I'm going to keep working on that Mercy study. Not just for you, but for me too.

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